To vent Is To Release

I am pretty pissed and cheesed-off at her, but I will not let it affect me. Sometimes, the fault lies with the other person, and I should stop letting her mood take over my sense of guilt - ie that I was responsible for behavior.

I don't exactly know how to handle it though. The traditional roles of nurturer and support have been reversed, and I find myself having to be HER support instead. Much as I want to ignore the implications, I find myself diagnosing her character. Hypochondriac personality coupled with extremely stong tendencies to wallow in self-pity, instinctive reaction to deny knowledge of any and everything and play dumb. And I am exploding.

Am I supposed to let her bang and slam, throw tantrums as and when she wants, sprout self-pitying remarks and worse of all, cry and blow her nose whenever a 'crisis' arises? Fuck no.

I admit that I may sprout certain vulgarities when angry, but it is always under my breath, or I just think it silently. Rarely will I put it down on paper, and thus for that previous F-word to emerge, is an indication of how bothered I am. The F-word summarizes succintly the feeling of anger, frustration and impatience I have about her.

"Stab her in the back"?

I may have eluded to mention that over-dramatization is one of her traits as well.

Isn't it stupid to deceive and be deceived?

I was reading the headlines of The Sunday Times' - an article about people faking educational and professional credentials, mocking up their CVs and posting inaccurate information about themselves while applying for jobs.

A question that flashed through my mind immediately was this: How can someone even think that he/she will be able to lie their way to a job and not expect to be exposed?

A subsequent question was: If a company takes on someone without doing basic background checks on that person, then the company is at fault. Either HR personnel is lazing on job, or the company cannot be bothered to do thorough research, in which case it fully deserves to be deceived.

I recently signed a 3month contract with a company and when I went down to their HR department, I was asked to bring along my educational certs. Once there, I had to fill up forms requesting for previous employment references etc. With such information required and the ease of connectivity that we all enjoy these days, to dial a number as part of employee verification is easy-peasy. Yet, we hear of companies being cheated and workers lying about their qualifications.

This is a strange world that we live in if one is to be held responsible for the deception of others, but this unfortunately is true. The employer is as much responsible for verifying potential employees' information as the employee himself is entrusted to provide credible details.

As the saying goes, "Buyer Beware". It applies till this day, and will increasingly continue to hold significance as the field levels up and information becomes readily available to one and all.

My new Creative ZEN V PLUS

I did the most surprising thing ever and purchased a Creative ZEN V PLUS at the spur of a moment. I even shocked myself. I had followed my elder brother down to the Marina Square outlet as he was looking to purchase a pair of speakers. It ended up with me spending $174 and lugging home my new treasure!

As it is, I'm feeling pretty satisfied with my impulse buy, and it looks like I won't be spending extravagantly for a while.

What kind of Food are you?

You Are Japanese Food

Strange yet delicious. Contrary to popular belief, you're not always eaten raw.

What Kind of Food Are You?

New route ahead - Watch Out

I have a new resolution that will change my life – the course of my life. And it is FINAL. Yes, I do know that I have declared this very same resolution many a time, and this time, would perhaps garner skeptism as to just how far I mean to follow through.

This week has been hell for me. I skipped 3 days of lessons and indulged thoroughly. But I made the drastic move of joining DragonBoat on Saturday. I want to try something new, and not look back at my University days and realize just how staid, unfulfilling it was. I want to be able to reminisce over shared memories, aching muscles due to training, camaradie etc. I have never had a chance to experience it, and I do want to. It will come as a shock to many, due to my slight built and the first impression of being quiet, shy and almost reclusive.

Focusing on studies (solely – recall studying for O and A levels, though coincidentally, I was in the threos of my ED) never resulted in outstanding performances and caused me to be socially and mentally retarded. It may seem harsh, but because this is a self-reflection, I want to be honest. Anorexia and Bulimia made me lie to my family, friends and more importantly, myself. I found myself concealing truths, creating information and manipulating facts to suit my purposes. I compromised on my principles, and I regret that dearly. It is now my mission to stick to my yuan ze. My secondary 3 and 4 higher Chinese teacher once told us that we can be poor and fail at times, but we must always remain true to our yuan ze, because they are what sees you through your darkest moments. I abandoned truth when I embarked on my ED journey in secondary 4. That was 2003. It is now 2007. I say ENOUGH.

My uncle made an extremely pertinent observation recently (when I was talking to him during dinner at my Grandmother’s). He said that sportsmen (no gender bias) generally do well in their studies even though they have less time to spare given their training schedules and competition dates. This is because they base their studying schedules on the same blueprint as their training schedules. Consistency and maximum efficiency are core. They do not believe in last-minute studying, preferring to devote small pockets of time to revise when they have the luxury of a few hours. I would also think that as they are trained to perservere and endure, it would be akin to burning the midnight oil to complete their work. Also, they are conditioned to grab at any free time they have to spare, and thus learn to deal with assignments and projects efficiently and to the best of their respective abilities. These are precisely the attributes that I hope to hone and pick up.

I worked out that the reason why I was still BP was because I have too much free time and hence, temptation lurked. Thus with regular trainings, I would be able to pre-empt by not allowing myself the opportunities to. And there is him. I’m probably fantasizing too much, but I cannot help it. I think about the possibility of being with him, and I can almost believe it. But it will never be. He is Mr Right and The Man. Good Body plus he is really nice. He was nice to me.

Kay-El enlightening and the dawn of a new era

I had a very rude, short, sharp and unexpected wake-up call from my brother yesterday. We had gotten into some disagreement in the hotel room earlier in the morning, and when the matter went unresolved, I initiated sitting with him on the bus back because I wanted to clear matters up. Many a time, unresolved conflicts just slide into oblivion, intentional or not.

Basically, he charged that I do not want to recover and that I need someone, am waiting for people to force me, that I thrive or live only when compelled. This was in response to my statement that I react adversely to pressure and authority. Secondly, that he feels frightened for me when he sees me going off in a daze and just spacing out. Of course I do feel myself spacing out at times, but I had no idea that my doing so would piss him off so badly, and on hindsight, given that he’s pretty tolerant, must have irritated Dad and Mum even more. Thirdly, the way I treat Mum which he finds pretty disrespectful because I do not accord Mum the same respect as I do to Dad. For that I value because it takes a bystander to honestly evaluate my actions and tell me.

He wants me to take matters into my own hands. Do something positive about my weight issue and stop waiting for matters to come to a head. One thing for sure, I do not want term one’s situations to repeat itself. I shall be a new person, born again. Also, he wants me to be alert and stop spacing out. I guess its pretty frustrating to see someone with an inscrutable look on her face, and not know what she is thinking about. Being quick and observant is the key. And finally, to listen to Mum and treat her as I treat Dad – with deference, the respect and pay attention to her. Mum is right in saying that we treat her like shit, and sometimes the way Bryan treats her is shocking, but honestly, I need to ask myself whether it could partially be the result of how he observes his elder siblings (read: elder sister) who are supposed to reflect the correct behavior, treat others. Bryan emulates and adopts new styles pretty easily based on what he is exposed to. I suppose its due to the fact that he’s at an easily-influenced stage now, and its not really his fault. So as his sister, I must behave, if not for me, then for him. But anyway, I do want to do it for my sake. I want to treat Mum well, I want to behave like my age and be treated as one. Kor also touched on the fact that I get really bothered by insignificants bits and react in a manner that is totally off-tangent for such a matter of inconsequential importance. And yet for really important things like my weight, studies and behavior, I am absolutely and disgracefully flippant and unbothered. There seems to be some kind of inverse reaction and I think it should be corrected, pronto.

I need to work out a life-map for the next four years, plus a detailed one for the coming term. Alter my weight concept radically and with immediate effect. Change my behavior now. I started on it this morning and I am pretty proud of it. But be aware that it is only one morning and there will be many uphill battles because I cannot change Mum’s prejudice about me in a blink of an eye, and I have to be prepared for setbacks, but I will persevere. Stop being resistant. Kor says he senses a lot of resistance from me, and the first thing out of my mouth is always a negative connotation. Is that good? No, it isn’t, so I need to do something about it now. Engines are fired and rived. Take your marks, GO.

Resolution

I have been reading Ryan's posts daily and somehow it serves as an inspiration. How so? While he seems to be pro-anorexiz, as in he really wants to get back into the ana mindset so that he can lose the weight he gains via bingeing, rays of optimism do shine through, and that is what I get.

"The power to change for the better lies in me." A quote that come across as almost cliche because everyone says that. But it becomes really meaningful when a person is entrenched in a mindset that persists and refuses to subside. When one is fighting constantly to beat the invisible voice in your head, the one that is urging you to do what you know you should be doing, and encouraging you to throw the towel in. Then, such a phrase holds meanings unbound because we realise that the temptation to cheat on ourselves is internal, it is within us and we do have the power to take control.

"The power to change for the better lies in me." And yes, it does lie in me. No more excuses for succumbing to BP anymore. I control my destiny. Take it you evil twit! Rwar.

Pioneer post of this Blog

Suddenly felt the urge to start a blog, though whether it'll run is another matter altogether. I can keep diaries, but it gets real troublesome at times, and sometimes, my thoughts are so private that I constantly am paranoid about Mum reading my words when I leave them lying around at home.

Why oh why? I feel intensely disturbed by what is happening now. This shouldn't be what should be NOW, at this point. I made a promise to myself, that I would stop doing BP in J1, and its been 3 years. Its extremely harmful for me, physically and pyschologically. Mentally, I feel so drained that sometimes I lose my focus in life. That shouldn't be the mindset of a nineteen year-old.

I have a family, that whilst they may not be perfect, but I do love them and there's no way I want to bring hurt to them through scoldings from Dad. The little brother is enjoying school, albeit with a little trouble concentrating and doing work which can be expected as he comes from a rascally-mischevious all-boys primary school. Yet, I guess these will be his memories of school that he will want to keep, even if he does not know now. In the years to come, with the Singapore Education System undergoing revamps at such a rapid pace, stress and instability will emerge. This is due to uncertainty on the part of their teachers, parents and general confusion as to where the education focus lies in, at a particular period of time. What I do hope for the little guy, is that he will emerge relatively unscathed. Put simply, that he will make it through the various tests that have been put into place to sieve out the better students from the not-so-capable ones. And not merely make it by the skin of his teeth, but that he sails through comfortably. It can be rather difficult to predict at this stage, what with the emphasis changing every five years, the methods, teaching styles, examination methods are all different. I guess that is the problem with the system in place here - Recipients under the program (which would mean all us kids) are not made aware of the implicit impact and effect each change has on our future. Perhaps it works in such a way where the key men sitting at the top feel that we should only be given information as THEY deem fit. They ration the knowledge we have and allow rumors to abound, abiding by an age-old belief that "Knowledge is Power", and so to keep us at a slight disadvantage, simultaneously elevating them to a more superior position in a relative context, they will tell us what we need to know, assume the rest is not necessary.

Somehow, this strikes me as mass control experiment of some sort. Was that previous sentence even a proper one? Anyway, I don't think I should actually be writing about such stuff here. I actually had to stop myself from using the proper terms so that should someone google key words, this site wouldn't appear as a link. But this is something new - blogging, i mean. Let's just wait and see how long I will be able to upkeep this.

Its pretty obvious I have food issues and I am extremely bothered by it. I resent the control Food has over my life. In part, it consumes my thoughts, actions, words and relationships with others. Its unhealthy, obsessive and I would do anything to revert to my former mindset, which was that Food is a form of energy, refuelling of my internal engines, a means to fill my tummy, has celebratory significance and also used widely in the many anniverseries that my Grandmothers observe. Now, I treat food as an Enemy, forever obsessing over it, its fat content, caloric values, its ability to fill me up at the cheapest (lowest) cost (calories). I am a freaking bloody nineteen year-old and I think about THIS. Its crazy. I want to get over this soonest, and start to live life AGAIN. I can do it, I have University to distract me. I really feel that as I buckle down to hard work, this will lapse and soon fade. Please don't let it drag. I'm horrible, am I not?