Pioneer post of this Blog
Suddenly felt the urge to start a blog, though whether it'll run is another matter altogether. I can keep diaries, but it gets real troublesome at times, and sometimes, my thoughts are so private that I constantly am paranoid about Mum reading my words when I leave them lying around at home.
Why oh why? I feel intensely disturbed by what is happening now. This shouldn't be what should be NOW, at this point. I made a promise to myself, that I would stop doing BP in J1, and its been 3 years. Its extremely harmful for me, physically and pyschologically. Mentally, I feel so drained that sometimes I lose my focus in life. That shouldn't be the mindset of a nineteen year-old.
I have a family, that whilst they may not be perfect, but I do love them and there's no way I want to bring hurt to them through scoldings from Dad. The little brother is enjoying school, albeit with a little trouble concentrating and doing work which can be expected as he comes from a rascally-mischevious all-boys primary school. Yet, I guess these will be his memories of school that he will want to keep, even if he does not know now. In the years to come, with the Singapore Education System undergoing revamps at such a rapid pace, stress and instability will emerge. This is due to uncertainty on the part of their teachers, parents and general confusion as to where the education focus lies in, at a particular period of time. What I do hope for the little guy, is that he will emerge relatively unscathed. Put simply, that he will make it through the various tests that have been put into place to sieve out the better students from the not-so-capable ones. And not merely make it by the skin of his teeth, but that he sails through comfortably. It can be rather difficult to predict at this stage, what with the emphasis changing every five years, the methods, teaching styles, examination methods are all different. I guess that is the problem with the system in place here - Recipients under the program (which would mean all us kids) are not made aware of the implicit impact and effect each change has on our future. Perhaps it works in such a way where the key men sitting at the top feel that we should only be given information as THEY deem fit. They ration the knowledge we have and allow rumors to abound, abiding by an age-old belief that "Knowledge is Power", and so to keep us at a slight disadvantage, simultaneously elevating them to a more superior position in a relative context, they will tell us what we need to know, assume the rest is not necessary.
Somehow, this strikes me as mass control experiment of some sort. Was that previous sentence even a proper one? Anyway, I don't think I should actually be writing about such stuff here. I actually had to stop myself from using the proper terms so that should someone google key words, this site wouldn't appear as a link. But this is something new - blogging, i mean. Let's just wait and see how long I will be able to upkeep this.
Its pretty obvious I have food issues and I am extremely bothered by it. I resent the control Food has over my life. In part, it consumes my thoughts, actions, words and relationships with others. Its unhealthy, obsessive and I would do anything to revert to my former mindset, which was that Food is a form of energy, refuelling of my internal engines, a means to fill my tummy, has celebratory significance and also used widely in the many anniverseries that my Grandmothers observe. Now, I treat food as an Enemy, forever obsessing over it, its fat content, caloric values, its ability to fill me up at the cheapest (lowest) cost (calories). I am a freaking bloody nineteen year-old and I think about THIS. Its crazy. I want to get over this soonest, and start to live life AGAIN. I can do it, I have University to distract me. I really feel that as I buckle down to hard work, this will lapse and soon fade. Please don't let it drag. I'm horrible, am I not?
Why oh why? I feel intensely disturbed by what is happening now. This shouldn't be what should be NOW, at this point. I made a promise to myself, that I would stop doing BP in J1, and its been 3 years. Its extremely harmful for me, physically and pyschologically. Mentally, I feel so drained that sometimes I lose my focus in life. That shouldn't be the mindset of a nineteen year-old.
I have a family, that whilst they may not be perfect, but I do love them and there's no way I want to bring hurt to them through scoldings from Dad. The little brother is enjoying school, albeit with a little trouble concentrating and doing work which can be expected as he comes from a rascally-mischevious all-boys primary school. Yet, I guess these will be his memories of school that he will want to keep, even if he does not know now. In the years to come, with the Singapore Education System undergoing revamps at such a rapid pace, stress and instability will emerge. This is due to uncertainty on the part of their teachers, parents and general confusion as to where the education focus lies in, at a particular period of time. What I do hope for the little guy, is that he will emerge relatively unscathed. Put simply, that he will make it through the various tests that have been put into place to sieve out the better students from the not-so-capable ones. And not merely make it by the skin of his teeth, but that he sails through comfortably. It can be rather difficult to predict at this stage, what with the emphasis changing every five years, the methods, teaching styles, examination methods are all different. I guess that is the problem with the system in place here - Recipients under the program (which would mean all us kids) are not made aware of the implicit impact and effect each change has on our future. Perhaps it works in such a way where the key men sitting at the top feel that we should only be given information as THEY deem fit. They ration the knowledge we have and allow rumors to abound, abiding by an age-old belief that "Knowledge is Power", and so to keep us at a slight disadvantage, simultaneously elevating them to a more superior position in a relative context, they will tell us what we need to know, assume the rest is not necessary.
Somehow, this strikes me as mass control experiment of some sort. Was that previous sentence even a proper one? Anyway, I don't think I should actually be writing about such stuff here. I actually had to stop myself from using the proper terms so that should someone google key words, this site wouldn't appear as a link. But this is something new - blogging, i mean. Let's just wait and see how long I will be able to upkeep this.
Its pretty obvious I have food issues and I am extremely bothered by it. I resent the control Food has over my life. In part, it consumes my thoughts, actions, words and relationships with others. Its unhealthy, obsessive and I would do anything to revert to my former mindset, which was that Food is a form of energy, refuelling of my internal engines, a means to fill my tummy, has celebratory significance and also used widely in the many anniverseries that my Grandmothers observe. Now, I treat food as an Enemy, forever obsessing over it, its fat content, caloric values, its ability to fill me up at the cheapest (lowest) cost (calories). I am a freaking bloody nineteen year-old and I think about THIS. Its crazy. I want to get over this soonest, and start to live life AGAIN. I can do it, I have University to distract me. I really feel that as I buckle down to hard work, this will lapse and soon fade. Please don't let it drag. I'm horrible, am I not?
posted by resist at 7:47 AM
0 comments
