New route ahead - Watch Out
I have a new resolution that will change my life – the course of my life. And it is FINAL. Yes, I do know that I have declared this very same resolution many a time, and this time, would perhaps garner skeptism as to just how far I mean to follow through.
This week has been hell for me. I skipped 3 days of lessons and indulged thoroughly. But I made the drastic move of joining DragonBoat on Saturday. I want to try something new, and not look back at my University days and realize just how staid, unfulfilling it was. I want to be able to reminisce over shared memories, aching muscles due to training, camaradie etc. I have never had a chance to experience it, and I do want to. It will come as a shock to many, due to my slight built and the first impression of being quiet, shy and almost reclusive.
Focusing on studies (solely – recall studying for O and A levels, though coincidentally, I was in the threos of my ED) never resulted in outstanding performances and caused me to be socially and mentally retarded. It may seem harsh, but because this is a self-reflection, I want to be honest. Anorexia and Bulimia made me lie to my family, friends and more importantly, myself. I found myself concealing truths, creating information and manipulating facts to suit my purposes. I compromised on my principles, and I regret that dearly. It is now my mission to stick to my yuan ze. My secondary 3 and 4 higher Chinese teacher once told us that we can be poor and fail at times, but we must always remain true to our yuan ze, because they are what sees you through your darkest moments. I abandoned truth when I embarked on my ED journey in secondary 4. That was 2003. It is now 2007. I say ENOUGH.
My uncle made an extremely pertinent observation recently (when I was talking to him during dinner at my Grandmother’s). He said that sportsmen (no gender bias) generally do well in their studies even though they have less time to spare given their training schedules and competition dates. This is because they base their studying schedules on the same blueprint as their training schedules. Consistency and maximum efficiency are core. They do not believe in last-minute studying, preferring to devote small pockets of time to revise when they have the luxury of a few hours. I would also think that as they are trained to perservere and endure, it would be akin to burning the midnight oil to complete their work. Also, they are conditioned to grab at any free time they have to spare, and thus learn to deal with assignments and projects efficiently and to the best of their respective abilities. These are precisely the attributes that I hope to hone and pick up.
I worked out that the reason why I was still BP was because I have too much free time and hence, temptation lurked. Thus with regular trainings, I would be able to pre-empt by not allowing myself the opportunities to. And there is him. I’m probably fantasizing too much, but I cannot help it. I think about the possibility of being with him, and I can almost believe it. But it will never be. He is Mr Right and The Man. Good Body plus he is really nice. He was nice to me.
This week has been hell for me. I skipped 3 days of lessons and indulged thoroughly. But I made the drastic move of joining DragonBoat on Saturday. I want to try something new, and not look back at my University days and realize just how staid, unfulfilling it was. I want to be able to reminisce over shared memories, aching muscles due to training, camaradie etc. I have never had a chance to experience it, and I do want to. It will come as a shock to many, due to my slight built and the first impression of being quiet, shy and almost reclusive.
Focusing on studies (solely – recall studying for O and A levels, though coincidentally, I was in the threos of my ED) never resulted in outstanding performances and caused me to be socially and mentally retarded. It may seem harsh, but because this is a self-reflection, I want to be honest. Anorexia and Bulimia made me lie to my family, friends and more importantly, myself. I found myself concealing truths, creating information and manipulating facts to suit my purposes. I compromised on my principles, and I regret that dearly. It is now my mission to stick to my yuan ze. My secondary 3 and 4 higher Chinese teacher once told us that we can be poor and fail at times, but we must always remain true to our yuan ze, because they are what sees you through your darkest moments. I abandoned truth when I embarked on my ED journey in secondary 4. That was 2003. It is now 2007. I say ENOUGH.
My uncle made an extremely pertinent observation recently (when I was talking to him during dinner at my Grandmother’s). He said that sportsmen (no gender bias) generally do well in their studies even though they have less time to spare given their training schedules and competition dates. This is because they base their studying schedules on the same blueprint as their training schedules. Consistency and maximum efficiency are core. They do not believe in last-minute studying, preferring to devote small pockets of time to revise when they have the luxury of a few hours. I would also think that as they are trained to perservere and endure, it would be akin to burning the midnight oil to complete their work. Also, they are conditioned to grab at any free time they have to spare, and thus learn to deal with assignments and projects efficiently and to the best of their respective abilities. These are precisely the attributes that I hope to hone and pick up.
I worked out that the reason why I was still BP was because I have too much free time and hence, temptation lurked. Thus with regular trainings, I would be able to pre-empt by not allowing myself the opportunities to. And there is him. I’m probably fantasizing too much, but I cannot help it. I think about the possibility of being with him, and I can almost believe it. But it will never be. He is Mr Right and The Man. Good Body plus he is really nice. He was nice to me.
posted by resist at 4:06 AM
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