Kay-El enlightening and the dawn of a new era

I had a very rude, short, sharp and unexpected wake-up call from my brother yesterday. We had gotten into some disagreement in the hotel room earlier in the morning, and when the matter went unresolved, I initiated sitting with him on the bus back because I wanted to clear matters up. Many a time, unresolved conflicts just slide into oblivion, intentional or not.

Basically, he charged that I do not want to recover and that I need someone, am waiting for people to force me, that I thrive or live only when compelled. This was in response to my statement that I react adversely to pressure and authority. Secondly, that he feels frightened for me when he sees me going off in a daze and just spacing out. Of course I do feel myself spacing out at times, but I had no idea that my doing so would piss him off so badly, and on hindsight, given that he’s pretty tolerant, must have irritated Dad and Mum even more. Thirdly, the way I treat Mum which he finds pretty disrespectful because I do not accord Mum the same respect as I do to Dad. For that I value because it takes a bystander to honestly evaluate my actions and tell me.

He wants me to take matters into my own hands. Do something positive about my weight issue and stop waiting for matters to come to a head. One thing for sure, I do not want term one’s situations to repeat itself. I shall be a new person, born again. Also, he wants me to be alert and stop spacing out. I guess its pretty frustrating to see someone with an inscrutable look on her face, and not know what she is thinking about. Being quick and observant is the key. And finally, to listen to Mum and treat her as I treat Dad – with deference, the respect and pay attention to her. Mum is right in saying that we treat her like shit, and sometimes the way Bryan treats her is shocking, but honestly, I need to ask myself whether it could partially be the result of how he observes his elder siblings (read: elder sister) who are supposed to reflect the correct behavior, treat others. Bryan emulates and adopts new styles pretty easily based on what he is exposed to. I suppose its due to the fact that he’s at an easily-influenced stage now, and its not really his fault. So as his sister, I must behave, if not for me, then for him. But anyway, I do want to do it for my sake. I want to treat Mum well, I want to behave like my age and be treated as one. Kor also touched on the fact that I get really bothered by insignificants bits and react in a manner that is totally off-tangent for such a matter of inconsequential importance. And yet for really important things like my weight, studies and behavior, I am absolutely and disgracefully flippant and unbothered. There seems to be some kind of inverse reaction and I think it should be corrected, pronto.

I need to work out a life-map for the next four years, plus a detailed one for the coming term. Alter my weight concept radically and with immediate effect. Change my behavior now. I started on it this morning and I am pretty proud of it. But be aware that it is only one morning and there will be many uphill battles because I cannot change Mum’s prejudice about me in a blink of an eye, and I have to be prepared for setbacks, but I will persevere. Stop being resistant. Kor says he senses a lot of resistance from me, and the first thing out of my mouth is always a negative connotation. Is that good? No, it isn’t, so I need to do something about it now. Engines are fired and rived. Take your marks, GO.